I cut my finger this week. It was pretty deep and pretty bad. I don't do hospitals if I can avoid them so I held it up in the air, put on pressure and waited for it to stop bleeding. I remember the yelp I let out when it happened but it was the shock more than the pain. Once it stopped
bleeding (at least mostly) I was able to get through my work day with minimal difficulty. Other than the few times it hit it into something it barley hurt. Until the day after...The following day, often when I was using a knife again or looking down at my bandaged finger I'd get this phantom feeling of getting sliced by that knife again. Those feelings, along with the residual pain of the wound, hurt more and were more bothersome than the incident itself. True to the introspective person I tend to be, it got me thinking about other kinds of pain. Emotional pain.
Often in life, the aftermath of something is unbelievably worse than the event itself. So many children go through horribly traumatic childhoods not knowing anything is wrong, yet when they grow older some realize something isn't right in their lives. Eventually it comes time to confront their reality and those pieces of a past they've brought with them which may be holding them back now. In retrospect, an incident or series of incidents may have just past by at the time seemingly having rolled off our backs into the abyss. Maybe they hurt to go through, but I kept a stiff upper lip and plowed my way through. As an adult however, we bring in a stronger perspective of right and wrong and remembering and confronting these events of the past can be horribly painful.
Based on memories, photographs and what we manage to hear from others we piece together the pieces and come out with a collage of what seems to be a path to how I got here. But I'll never know. No matter how much I remember (or don't) there will be blanks which only G-d can fill in. So I'm left with my quasi-reality or the reality I've created for myself. Maybe I create issues out of things that never were issues to begin with? I actually think this may be quite common and possibly even unavoidable. I also think however, it's a necessary evil and unless I'm turning my pain into my drug of choice I'm still on the best track I can be on. Dare I say... The right track.Another potential problem comes about when we don't remember. When we create realities of what happened based on our pain rather than understanding our pain based on reality. I've seen men start to tackle their emotional issues only to then realize the mistreatment at the hands of someone. I've seen relationships fall apart as a result of a new perspective on something that happened 20 or more years ago. While I think confronting the hurt and forming perspective is essential, I think destroying a relationship as a result is rash (unless of course the same treatment or behavior is still happening today). Each man has his right to choose his direction and what works for him.
Often it does get worse before it gets better. Way worse. Sometimes opening up floodgates of grief, loss, pain, sadness, and fear can be dangerous and have repercussions. Actually, there are probably always going to be repercussions. The question becomes, what do we do with the new perspective and the hurt?
First and foremost it's probably important to realize, you are normal. Just as the healing process for my finger will hurt, so will the healing process for my perspective, my being, my relationships, my attitude, and my soul. The hurt doesn't mean it's not working. After that the rest is really individual to each and up to each one of us. Try and be open. Continue to allow your perspective to change. Don't get bogged down by the past or and quasi-reality you've created for yourself today. Hang in there,
Eric
