It's
those times when it seems like things just aren't moving that get me
thinking, am I really changing? Am I any better than I used to be?
Healing? Growing? Am I really any different than I was yesterday? Last
month? Five years ago?
It
occurred to me how difficult it can be to recognize change. Ever had
someone you haven't seen for awhile comment on how different you look or
how much weight you've lost while those around you go without
noticing? Well you are the ultimate insider. It's often the most
difficult for us to notice. Even when the change is obvious, it's all
too easy to sweep it under the rug and ignore it.
We
take on titles and labels which can be very hard to remove. No one
gave us these necessarily, but we took them on and we sit with them.
When I believe I'm a smoker, large amount of time can pass without a
cigarette, but though theoretically the chemical addition is gone, the
draw may still be there. I'm not sure this applies to everything but I
think the titles can perpetuate behavior as well. It's because I'm a
"smoker" that I need to have a cigarette right now. It's because I'm a
"compulsive over-eater" that I'm going to finish this cake. I'm not in
any way taking away from the struggle of addiction. I believe it's real
and I can sympathize with anyone going through it. However it think
sometimes it's difficult to notice the change in us because we're so
attached to the label and the way of being. The behavior.
It's
so very difficult to change our feelings, understandings and
impressions of ourselves. We've sat with them for so long that it seems
almost blasphemous to remove them. I've always been fat...ugly... stupid...
weak... angry... mean... the clown... a problem child... a sex
addict... a criminal... The list can go on and on. Sometimes I can
tell myself over and over again how fixed I am. How I'm a different
person who is healed and I've moved on. I can tell myself I'm good, special,
unique, and... And nothing. Still nothing. The label and the behavior won't let go.
Some say the answer is in setting aside the label. Some call it surrender. Others call it letting go. If it were as easy as saying the words, everyone and their grandmother would be doing it. Real
surrender is in doing the work to realize things aren't as I thought
they were. This is (or was) my behavior and this is me. So it's not so much the setting aside the title but in
accepting the new reality. Often this takes a major smack in the face
to recognize the new reality as... reality.
Jews
across the world just finished celebrating Passover which is a
remembrance and celebration of their exodus from Egypt. I saw an interesting
question. After Charlton Heston (ok, fine, Moses) led the Hebrews
though 10 plagues, the desert, and into the Red Sea, why did G-d
need to kill the Egyptians? He'd just rained plagues down on Egypt and
miraculously led them through a dry and solid sea bottom. The answer is had He left
the Egyptians alive the Hebrews would have continued to look upon
themselves only as freed-slaves. It took the wiping out of a nation for
this new nation to look upon themselves as free men. It wasn't until
their former task-masters washed up on the shore that the point was
driven home and the nation of Israel felt free. It took a huge action to change their
self-image.
Usually
it's because we forget how great we are that we fall/fail. We see ourselves as slaves. Slaves to the label and whatever activity lies behind it. The devil
on our shoulder tells us, "you're an addict so it won't matter if you do
this." Or "you're fat and can't manage to lose weight anyway..." If
we knew who we were and accepted our true potential very possibly these
falls would happen much less often. We wouldn't allow the king inside
us to act like a peasant. We'd recognize these actions as beneath us.
We
can't split the Red Sea or any sea for that matter and we don't experience open miracles daily. But we can create our own reality. Occasionally it happens in
an instant but more often it takes time. Don't compare yourself along your way (probably another whole blog post right there). We can. I'm worth it.
You're worth it.
