It can feel like a very constricted place. Stuck. Victim. Trapped. These are the relationships we feel like we can't get out of. Those parts of ourselves we're afraid to share. The bosses we allow to treat us poorly. Places like these can feel very lonely. We often think we're the only one with these troubles and that no one could possibly understand. Holding secrets can be even worse because sharing them may be an unsafe place where I can get very hurt. So I feel legitimately trapped and weak as I'm victimized by my situations and surroundings. Bottom line... If I tell my boss off or even just say no, I may lose my job. If I share with my spouse that I'm struggling with my sense of worth, or something like an addiction, I may hurt them and those around me. As long as I tell myself I don't have any choices I'm a goner. A victim of my circumstances. I'm shrunk and put away in a box where I feel small, unimportant and ready to be taken advantage of by those around me.
Choices. Let me say it again because it's a powerful word which can transform all of this. CHOICES. Even in places where I feel in my bones that I'm trapped, I have choices.
For me, it's in those places, where it's most important for me to recognize I have them. Let me explain with a few examples... I once had a job where my boss micromanaged everything and told me once that she makes it her business to remind people of their place. Ultimately to remind the workers she is boss and they have to do what she tells them to. I thought for quite some time about leaving this job but stayed because with all her whining and demands, I never did much more work. I wanted my salary and to support my family. I made a choice to stand my ground as an employee and also to grin and bear it to be there for my family and support them. I reframed my situation from victimhood to choice. I chose to endure in order to support my family.
Recently I had an opportunity to see my father. At 63 not much has changed. He still makes nasty comments about my life choices. Every third word is profane and he has very unkind words for most people he encounters. After about 10 hours I was ready to leave (my visit was meant to be two days) and then I remembered... I visited him for him AND for me. I found joy in serving him juice, bringing him his walker, and taking out his trash. I was doing this for me as much as for him. With that recognition, I felt empowered and looked for those opportunities more for the duration of our visit. I left in a good place having accomplished what I'd come for.
Reframe #3. I have a friend I speak to often with a wife who isn't well. She's caused him a lot of heartache and trouble through the years. They have 7 beautiful children and he's a good father to them. He feels stuck in his marriage because of his love for his children (and his wife) and her inability to give them what they need. Or what he needs for that matter. In the many hours we've spoken about this he finally recognized that despite all that exists around him he does have a choice. He can get divorced and lose his children to an unhealthy wife. He can chose his happiness over theirs (as he put it). This is a choice. Yes, it's a choice he doesn't want to make, but recognizing it is a choice at all pulled him out of self pity and at least part of the "woe is me" dissipated. His choice to stay with his family is a strong decision from a place of control. Not a place of victimhood. The choice now empowers, rather than shrinks him. As men we have choices. They may not be ones we want to make or ones we would carry out, but we have them. When I come out of a place where I think I'm being forced to do something and recognize I'm doing it by choice, the reframe empowers me. Through the years I've tried to limit my use of the phrase "have to." I don't have to pick up my kids from school. I don't have to take out the garbage. I want to. I want to because I take my responsibilities seriously and being in integrity with my values, responsibilities, and needs is my priority. With a recognition of my choices I feel empowered. Just because I sometimes wish I could choose one direction and ultimately go the other doesn't mean I'm being untrue to myself. I choose and with that realization I feel the light of greater peace as I navigate through life.
