Powerful Choices

Often in my life I have told myself that I do things because I don't have a choice.  It could be something at work and I need to do this...  If I speak about such-n-such it could hurt people...  Both things I do and those I keep secret seem to happen whether or not I like it.  I just have to do things this way.

It can feel like a very constricted place.  Stuck.  Victim.  Trapped.  These are the relationships we feel like we can't get out of.  Those parts of ourselves we're afraid to share.  The bosses we allow to treat us poorly.  Places like these can feel very lonely.  We often think we're the only one with these troubles and that no one could possibly understand.  Holding secrets can be even worse because sharing them may be an unsafe place where I can get very hurt.

So I feel legitimately trapped and weak as I'm victimized by my situations and surroundings.  Bottom line...  If I tell my boss off or even just say no, I may lose my job.  If I share with my spouse that I'm struggling with my sense of worth, or something like an addiction, I may hurt them and those around me.  As long as I tell myself I don't have any choices I'm a goner.  A victim of my circumstances.  I'm shrunk and put away in a box where I feel small, unimportant and ready to be taken advantage of by those around me.

Choices.  Let me say it again because it's a powerful word which can transform all of this.  CHOICES.  Even in places where I feel in my bones that I'm trapped,  I have choices.

For me, it's in those places, where it's most important for me to recognize I have them.  Let me explain with a few examples...  I once had a job where my boss micromanaged everything and told me once that she makes it her business to remind people of their place.  Ultimately to remind the workers she is boss and they have to do what she tells them to.  I thought for quite some time about leaving this job but stayed because with all her whining and demands, I never did much more work.  I wanted my salary and to support my family. I made a choice to stand my ground as an employee and also to grin and bear it to be there for my family and support them.  I reframed my situation from victimhood to choice.  I chose to endure in order to support my family.

Recently I had an opportunity to see my father.  At 63 not much has changed.  He still makes nasty comments about my life choices.  Every third word is profane and he has very unkind words for most people he encounters.  After about 10 hours I was ready to leave (my visit was meant to be two days) and then I remembered...  I visited him for him AND for me.  I found joy in serving him juice, bringing him his walker, and taking out his trash.  I was doing this for me as much as for him.  With that recognition, I felt empowered and looked for those opportunities more for the duration of our visit.  I left in a good place having accomplished what I'd come for.

Reframe #3.  I have a friend I speak to often with a wife who isn't well.  She's caused him a lot of heartache and trouble through the years.  They have 7 beautiful children and he's a good father to them.  He feels stuck in his marriage because of his love for his children (and his wife) and her inability to give them what they need.   Or what he needs for that matter.  In the many hours we've spoken about this he finally recognized that despite all that exists around him he does have a choice.  He can get divorced and lose his children to an unhealthy wife.  He can chose his happiness over theirs (as he put it).  This is a choice.  Yes, it's a choice he doesn't want to make, but recognizing it is a choice at all pulled him out of self pity and at least part of the "woe is me" dissipated.  His choice to stay with his family is a strong decision from a place of control.  Not a place of victimhood.  The choice now empowers, rather than shrinks him.

As men we have choices.  They may not be ones we want to make or ones we would carry out, but we have them.  When I come out of a place where I think I'm being forced to do something and recognize I'm doing it by choice, the reframe empowers me.  Through the years I've tried to limit my use of the phrase "have to."  I don't have to pick up my kids from school.  I don't have to take out the garbage.  I want to.  I want to because I take my responsibilities seriously and being in integrity with my values, responsibilities, and needs is my priority.  With a recognition of my choices I feel empowered.  Just because I sometimes wish I could choose one direction and ultimately go the other doesn't mean I'm being untrue to myself.  I choose and with that realization I feel the light of greater peace as I navigate through life.

Slaves to our Labels

It's those times when it seems like things just aren't moving that get me thinking, am I really changing?  Am I any better than I used to be?  Healing?  Growing?  Am I really any different than I was yesterday? Last month?  Five years ago?  

It occurred to me how difficult it can be to recognize change.  Ever had someone you haven't seen for awhile comment on how different you look or how much weight you've lost while those around you go without noticing?  Well you are the ultimate insider.  It's often the most difficult for us to notice.  Even when the change is obvious, it's all too easy to sweep it under the rug and ignore it. 

We take on titles and labels which can be very hard to remove.  No one gave us these necessarily, but we took them on and we sit with them.  When I believe I'm a smoker, large amount of time can pass without a cigarette, but though theoretically the chemical addition is gone, the draw may still be there.  I'm not sure this applies to everything but I think the titles can perpetuate behavior as well. It's because I'm a "smoker" that I need to have a cigarette right now.  It's because I'm a "compulsive over-eater" that I'm going to finish this cake.  I'm not in any way taking away from the struggle of addiction.  I believe it's real and I can sympathize with anyone going through it.  However it think sometimes it's difficult to notice the change in us because we're so attached to the label and the way of being. The behavior. 

It's so very difficult to change our feelings, understandings and impressions of ourselves.  We've sat with them for so long that it seems almost  blasphemous to remove them. I've always been fat...ugly... stupid... weak...  angry...  mean...  the clown... a problem child...  a sex addict... a criminal...  The list can go on and on.  Sometimes I can tell myself over and over again how fixed I am.  How I'm a different person who is healed and I've moved on.  I can tell myself I'm good, special, unique, and...  And nothing.  Still nothing. The label and the behavior won't let go. 

Some say the answer is in setting aside the label.  Some call it surrender.  Others call it letting go. If it were as easy as saying the words, everyone and their grandmother would be doing it. Real surrender is in doing the work to realize things aren't as I thought they were.  This is (or was) my behavior and this is me.  So it's not so much the setting aside the title but in accepting the new reality.  Often this takes a major smack in the face to recognize the new reality as... reality.

Jews across the world just finished celebrating Passover which is a remembrance and celebration of their exodus from Egypt.    I saw an interesting question.  After Charlton Heston (ok, fine, Moses) led the  Hebrews though 10 plagues, the desert, and into the Red Sea, why did G-d need to kill the Egyptians?  He'd just rained plagues down on Egypt and miraculously led them through a dry and solid sea bottom.  The answer is had He left the Egyptians alive the Hebrews would have continued to look upon themselves only as freed-slaves.  It took the wiping out of a nation for this new nation to look upon themselves as free men.  It wasn't until their former task-masters washed up on the shore that the point was driven home and the nation of Israel felt free.  It took a huge action to change their self-image.

Usually it's because we forget how great we are that we fall/fail.  We see ourselves as slaves.  Slaves to the label and whatever activity lies behind it.  The devil on our shoulder tells us, "you're an addict so it won't matter if you do this."  Or "you're fat and can't manage to lose weight anyway..."  If we knew who we were and accepted our true potential very possibly these falls would happen much less often.  We wouldn't allow the king inside us to act like a peasant.  We'd recognize these actions as beneath us.  

We can't split the Red Sea or any sea for that matter and we don't experience open miracles daily.  But we can create our own reality. Occasionally it happens in an instant but more often it takes time.  Don't compare yourself along your way (probably another whole blog post right there).   We can.  I'm worth it.  You're worth it.  

The BIG GAME I always lose

As men we're constantly comparing trying to figure out who is really the alpha male.  We're comparing the size of our muscles, who has the deepest voice, who can run the fastest, make the most money and a slew of other things I don't care to mention.

This week I learned about a new game.  A new way to compare.  I thought it was silly at first and as I thought about it more I realized sometimes I probably play too.  The problem is, as soon as I step up to the plate, I automatically lose.  I'm talking about the competition of who can be the most guarded and closed.

I think many of us are taught as men to "man up."  Keep a stiff upper lip.  Get the job done and don't whine about it.  So we grow up thinking, if we show weakness or let our flaws be known we will be rejected or the other guy will have the upper hand.  He'll be the alpha male.

This leaves me believing I need to hide the parts of myself which are less than perfect.  Every man is an island and meant to fend for himself without the influence or help of others.  As long as I don't let on I have any needs or wants from you, you'll accept me and I'll be on top.

So here we are, wanting friendship and connection and building strong walls and barriers to keep out hearts safe.  To make sure I don't really let the other guy in.  I may win the game but I lose everything I'm really after.  I'm building walls to keep people out when more than anything I really need to let people in.

Problem is, men are naturally tribal.  We thrive in groups and need one another to survive and be the best men we can be.  When we hide parts of ourselves we suffer emotionally and relationships can't thrive.  This doesn't mean we need to regurgitate out feelings and emotions constantly and to everyone, but bottom line is most of us are flawed and have the capacity to accepts others who are as well.  Often, knowing other people and their flaws helps me to accept myself with my own.  Additionally, the guy who reaches out and has the bravery to expose himself is generally not only accepted for who he is and what he's done, but respected for it as well.  He was the brave one and set the tone from breaking free from the battle to be the alpha male.  The game where all who play lose.

There are those men who won't get this.  Those who think vulnerability and expression are weakness and for the meek.  Seems to me, those men aren't ready, for whatever reason to start taking down the walls.  There's a part of them they're afraid to expose.  Bottom line is, we've probably all got them.  I read recently that most of us expose up to 90% of our truth at most even to those we're most intimately close with.  Doesn't sound like a bad number to me.  Maybe I'll be able to speak to that if I ever get there.

For now, having heard about the "game" and realizing I've fallen prey to it probably time and time again myself, I want to put down my cards.  It won't make me the alpha male I'm trying to prove I am.  In a game where when I win I'm closed, guarded, lonely, and sad, I choose to lose. 

Break free.  Be you.

Remember Who You Are

Often, as men, we forget who we are.  I got so many phone calls this week from men who I think just forgot.  I wouldn't be so audacious to say the story is always the same, but I will say, more often than not, the problem is more internal than external.  Something doesn't go right, or we get uncomfortable and suddenly we're evil, bad people who can't find our place and don't deserve anyone to rely on.  We're lonely, angry, sad, and afraid and our whole being becomes lost to the lie of who we think we are when we're at a low point. 

For better or worse this seems to be part of the human condition.  The relentless cycle of humanity. We stand up, we fall, and hopefully we get back up again. It seems way too easy to get caught up in the lie and live life behind the tinted glasses of how we think the world sees us (based mostly on what we think of ourselves).  Some people get so caught up in their faults and mistakes, they don't like the reflection looking back at them in the mirror anymore.  All of this because we tend to look at our flaws.  When was the last time you looked in the mirror and tried to only concentrate on your positives?  The last time you consciously tried to see the good you wear on your face and your sleeve, or the ones you carry in your character beneath the surface?

It's great to have people and friends around who can pick you up and remind you who you are.  People who can point out the you which you have forgotten or overlooked.  But there will also be the others.  Those people who bring you down and who remind you of your faults, your mistakes, and point out your shortcomings.  For these reasons we can't live based on outside input alone.  A positive self view needs to come from within.

This can be rough though, because I know my faults more intimately than anyone else.  The way out, I think, is not letting those faults or unfortunate instances define me.  It needs to start with a recognition that I am good.  I'm worthy and I have value, right now, in this and every moment.  Nothing I do and nothing you can say, can take this away from me.  It's a positive self belief, which sometimes I forget, but is always there.  Being good, worthy, and having value doesn't mean I'm perfect in any way.  I don't feel arrogance about them. I recognize when I do something wrong and I try to make necessary changes to right my wrongs.  I move on and I connect to my positive inner self who is good.  Who has got this.  I got this! 

How much better would our lives be if we remembered to keep practicing this?  If we bring ourselves up and out rather than down and in.  You?  You are great!  Today, as you are.  When I stop being limited by who I think I am I can start growing into who I know I ought to be.  When you stop forgetting and know what to remember, the sky becomes the limit.

When it comes to others, help him remember.  Help him do it on his own so he can remember even when you're not around.  May we all learn to remember who we are and shine our light unto others who need the same.

We listen, sure. But do we hear?

Listening.  Seems so simple.  Someone comes over to me and starts telling me something and I listen then respond accordingly.  Easy, right?  But is it? (Que the "duh duh duuuun" mystery music)

So often when others are speaking, we;re not listening at all.  I'm busy thinking of how I'm going to respond, or the same thing that happened to me once.  Maybe he's telling me about how he feels and I'm busy feeling what that sadness, anger, or happiness is like for me.  I may be doing all these or a million other things.  But I'm not listening.

Ok, men. We like to give advice.  Clearly.  But think for a second about how it feels to receive it.  Like it or not we have feelings like like those Venusians and sometimes those feelings just want to be seen and heard.  So what's it like, for you, when you're venting and someone starts to give you advice?  For me it's frustrating.  I've got piece of me which I'm holding inside and I've decided to share with you and you're just giving unsolicited advice.  I don't feel heard.  I don't feel that release of connecting to another human being.  They say a burden shared is a burden halved.  If you're not hearing me, my burden remains full.

There's a difference between listening and hearing.  Hearing a person requires a lot more attention.  More than this, I want to say really hearing a person requires more vulnerability.  When I'm really present enough to hear someone, I create connection.  When I sit for a presentation or a speech, I listen.  When someone talks to me one on one, I try harder to hear.  As  much as the presenter is trying to engage his or her audience, I don't think they're generally looking for connection.   Often, when people speak one to one, connection is just what they're looking for.

I saw a video this week from Dr. Brene Brown (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw) and I think this is the difference between sympathy and empathy she's speaking about.  Listening, I can be sympathetic, which surely has it's place.  Really hearing someone breeds empathy and connection.  Sometimes I listen, sometimes I hear, and sometimes I'm so busy with myself that I don't do either.  I've had many times in my life where someone comes to speak to me and I tell them I can't really listen right now (can we do this another time?).  Trust me, I've also had plenty of those times where I haven't listened at all and tried to pull off the ever so suave smile and nod move.  Everything in it's time.  Everything in it's place.

Often I find, the greatest gift I can give someone is to to listen.  To hear him.  To really connect and empathize with him as much as I can.  Sometimes the greatest gift is my presence and silence.  Nothing more than a listening ear.

Have a great weekend.
-Eric

Who wants to be normal anyway?

Sometimes it takes an action to rededicate myself to my work and growth.  Some big bang of an action to remind myself I'm in the game and I'm in it to win it.

It's time to shake things up and make a change.  A mentor of mine once said to me, "a difference that makes no difference, is no difference."  It really stuck with me.  I can do all these little things to try and make changes in my life but there's no real change.  I'm not about to discount or discredit the small stuff, I'm all about the baby steps, but sometimes, personally I really need to instigate a big change.

I've seen this graphic many times:

This is part of what I think it's going to take to make a change.  I have a goal in life.  In addition to being a good husband, father, and man in general, I want to make a change.  I want to live my life authentically and with my own genuine self expression.  I don't want to be anyone else, I just want to be me.  With so much outside influence though, it's sometimes tough to figure out who I am.  So I keep at it, trying to consciously be me as often as I remember.  In addition to living my life this way I want to help others find their own genuine self expression and be them.  By me being me, I believe I give them permission to be them.

Sometimes I think my comfort zone isn't really mine.  It's that of others.  I get locked in, to what others think I should be doing, how they think I should dress, act and even how I should feel.  Nuh uh!  Not for me.  No, thank you.  Not gonna work for me.  If I'm going to be who I want to be and accomplish what I want to accomplish, I'm going to need to find my own comfort zone, and even when I do, I'm going to need to leave once in awhile.  Like those times when I'm feeling down and don't know why, or in a funk that last awhile and I don't know how to get past or out of it.

I wasn't created to be like everyone else.  I believe there's a reason for my being here and if I'm like everyone else I don't bring anything unique to the table.
So sometimes, in order to make things happen instead of waiting for them to, it takes a boom.  A big
excursion from my comfort zone in order to find my personal expression and myself again. So how can I make a boom today?




Some personal expression for me today (this was playing in my head while writing this:) ) :

Knives, Hurt, & Quasi-Reality

I cut my finger this week.  It was pretty deep and pretty bad.  I don't do hospitals if I can avoid them so I held it up in the air, put on pressure and waited for it to stop bleeding.  I remember the yelp I let out when it happened but it was the shock more than the pain.  Once it stopped bleeding (at least mostly) I was able to get through my work day with minimal difficulty.  Other than the few times it hit it into something it barley hurt.  Until the day after...

The following day, often when I was using a knife again or looking down at my bandaged finger I'd get this phantom feeling of getting sliced by that knife again.  Those feelings, along with the residual pain of the wound, hurt more and were more bothersome than the incident itself.  True to the introspective person I tend to be, it got me thinking about other kinds of pain.  Emotional pain.

Often in life, the aftermath of something is unbelievably worse than the event itself.  So many children go through horribly traumatic childhoods not knowing anything is wrong, yet when they grow older some realize something isn't right in their lives.  Eventually it comes time to confront their reality and those pieces of a past they've brought with them which may be holding them back now.  In retrospect, an incident or series of incidents may have just past by at the time seemingly having rolled off our backs into the abyss.  Maybe they hurt to go through, but I kept a stiff upper lip and plowed my way through.  As an adult however, we bring in a stronger perspective of right and wrong and remembering and confronting these events of the past can be horribly painful. 

Based on memories, photographs and what we manage to hear from others we piece together the pieces and come out with a collage of what seems to be a path to how I got here.  But I'll never know.  No matter how much I remember (or don't) there will be blanks which only G-d can fill in. So I'm left with my quasi-reality or the reality I've created for myself.  Maybe I create issues out of things that never were issues to begin with?  I actually think this may be quite common and possibly even unavoidable.  I also think however, it's a necessary evil and unless I'm turning my pain into my drug of choice  I'm still on the best track I can be on.  Dare I say...  The right track.

Another potential problem comes about when we don't remember. When we create realities of what happened based on our pain rather than understanding our pain based on reality.  I've seen men start to tackle their emotional issues only to then realize the mistreatment at the hands of someone.  I've seen relationships fall apart as a result of a new perspective on something that happened 20 or more years ago.  While I think confronting the hurt and forming perspective is essential, I think destroying a relationship as a result is rash (unless of course the same treatment or behavior is still happening today).  Each man has his right to choose his direction and what works for him.

Often it does get worse before it gets better.  Way worse.  Sometimes opening up floodgates of grief, loss, pain, sadness, and fear can be dangerous and have repercussions.  Actually, there are probably always going to be repercussions.  The question becomes, what do we do with the new perspective and the hurt? 

First and foremost it's probably important to realize, you are normal.  Just as the healing process for my finger will hurt, so will the healing process for my perspective, my being, my relationships, my attitude, and my soul.  The hurt doesn't mean it's not working.  After that the rest is really individual to each and up to each one of us.  Try and be open.  Continue to allow your perspective to change.  Don't get bogged down by the past or and quasi-reality you've created for yourself today. 


                                                                                  Hang in there,
                                                                                                     Eric