Modesty?

There's a common misconception I've encountered with people being ashamed of themselves, their bodies, and their behavior.  The problem with shame is we tend to sit and stew in it rather than use it to move us along.  In my life, as a rule, anything that doesn't move me, isn't serving me.

I received a question from a friend recently who was on a retreat with his buddies and encountered a locker room situation.  Some of the men walked around in robes or towels being careful not to show anymore skin than they were used to, carefully undressing beneath, only removing it behind the shower curtain, and blindly reaching for the towel  hook while holding the curtain against the wall.   Then...  Well, then there were the other guys.  The men who walked around proudly strutting their naked bodies with a towel flung haphazardly over their shoulder or left behind entirely.  My friend being part of the former group, asked me, "How do they balance modesty?  On one hand I wish I could walk around like they do but on the other hand I'm supposed to be modest in the way I present myself."
 
I thought it was an excellent question and it got me thinking.  There's surely what to be said for having inner and external freedom to walk around like that, but what about modesty?  I think maybe the answer is in the understating of the word modesty and how it's completely different than shame.  So I started by answering him, shame and modesty are so far from being same thing.  My friend was floored just by that simple idea even before I offered any explanation.  Modesty is about being humble and free from vanity and egotism or from showing off.  Modesty is about preserving the beauty of my internal self. Shame is about believing something is wrong with my internal self.  Shame shrinks me and tells me there is something wrong with me.  This man had spent his entire life believing that his personal modesty meant he was supposed to be ashamed, and even more so, actually embarrassed of his body.  This couldn't be further from the truth. (Not to mention, in our society today there's  a huge problem of over-sexualization of our bodies which makes it more difficult for men to be comfortable. A great article from another blog: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/badcatholic/2012/06/naked-men.html).  Modesty is about preserving the beauty within, not about feeling like there's something wrong and we therefor need to hide it or cover it up.

So I don't have an answer about what's right or wrong for this guy.  But towel or no towel, what I do know is shame shouldn't be what holds him back. 

  

Authenticity>Toothy Smiles

There's a disconnect in the world we live in today from who we really are.  I wear this mask for this friend and change for the next.  We turn on this persona for work and then change who we are completely for play (if we play at all).  I have a facade that comes out in groups and another when I'm alone with someone. We are a result of a pop culture telling us to keep our teeth perfectly white and straight, our hair thick and tidy, and to only wear clothes with brand names.  We're told to be happy and bouncy all the time while the late night infomercials tell us about this anti-depressant and the next, with possible side effects of depression and death.

The truth is, we're not happy all the time.  Some of us would love to be leaders and lights who just radiate joy all the time.  That's not practical, however.  By nature, as human beings our emotions are fluid.  We constantly move from one to the next often without realizing the causes. Many of us have trained ourselves not to feel this feeling or that one, having picked up along the way that anger is bad or sadness is weak. But they're there and the longer we fool ourselves into thinking they aren't, the more we cheat ourselves of being fully human and authentic.  Chances are, if we're blocking ourselves from anger of fear, we're also keeping ourselves from joy in many of life's moments.

One of the many avenues I've found that help men on their road to being fully expressive is authenticity.  Now that's a fancy word that may or may not carry a lot of meaning to you.

What is authenticity?  Webster's defines authentic as follows:

au·then·tic

adjective \ə-ˈthen-tik, ȯ-\

: real or genuine : not copied or false
: true and accurate

: made to be or look just like an original

Great! All set.  Now what?  

It is my belief, for a man to show up as his authentic self takes risk and vulnerability.  Now I know sometimes the word vulnerability can be scary as Hell.  Especially for men who are taught to be solid and manly (said in a deep voice with a grunt for good measure) all the time.  Seems to me though, that being able to be vulnerable and real with how I'm feeling takes guts.  Pardon me for saying so, but it takes balls.  Guts and balls are manly.

I once heard someone say "men are naturally tribal.  We're meant to be together."  So that's a start.  We all need safe communities in order to feel safe to be fully authentic and real.  Cause let's face it, my office isn't the best place for me to decide to finally unwrap the anger I've been sitting on, and my the dinner table with my spouse probably isn't ideal for me to let loose my pent up fears.  But there are other men out there who can and will support us in that.  I've just gotta take a chance.  It may be close friend or they may turn out to be therapists, coaches, or mentors.  But these men can help us open up, be real, and authentic.  They can help us be free. Ain't that what living fully is all about?!  I think so, because though possibly very comfortable most of the time, the mask gets really heavy now and then. The best part..?  When I give myself permission to be fully expressive, not only does it expand me, it unconsciously gives those around me permission to do the same.  Your bravery not only helps you, it's a gift to others.

I know this is where I started.  Together, we can start a revolution!

A song:

You're awesome,

Eric