Habits

Old habits die hard.  Heard it?  There's a reason it's true.  Practically across the board, whether it's a positive or a negative habit, they're generally pretty hard to get over. 

We develop our habits for survival.  Not because we need the drink, the cigarette, or to read the paper in order to survive, but because they seemingly provide us with some necessary want or need we carry close to our heart.

There are other habits I've developed along my way.  Let's take creating safety for example (though the same would be true for connection, acceptance, being respected, being me, or countless other desires).  While the desire for safety may be a basic human need, I've developed character traits and behaviors throughout my life in order to keep myself safe.  Maybe it's the shyness.  The reluctance to share feelings or ideas.  It could be why I avoided the park as a kid and chose video games instead.  All in the pursuit of safety.

As an adult, it's  interesting to see these patterns showing up over and over again.  They show up as reluctance to share my ideas at work or even to tell my spouse how I'm truly feeling.  In the face of these situations my persona or facade go up creating a wall and I feel fear as my inner world feels invaded or violated even by seemingly the simplest of events.  My body may tense and I feel my face constrict as I try to hide what I'm feeling from showing.  I tell myself it isn't safe to wear my feelings on my sleeve.  All in the interest of maintaining my habit.  I may grab a cigarette in order to create that moment of calm.  In my calmness I want some time to myself.  There I find safety and peace.  All this...  The persona, the wall, the cigarette or drink, finding myself alone, in service of keeping myself safe in the old ways that used to work for me.

Used to.

However, like stated earlier, old habits die hard.  While these may have been necessary and served me at some earlier time, today they don't.  They hold me back and keep me from getting my raise.  They prevent closeness with my spouse.  My habits hold me back from asking for what I need.  My facade puts on that smile when really I'm feeling sad.  My behaviors find the quick temporary fixes for what I'm looking for and don't create a space for me to fully show up.

It may be more difficult to let down the security blanket of my persona than to drop any vice I've every picked up.  It's become my way of being.  My modus operandi.

So I try stepping out into the light and exposing myself without the protective way of being.  Without the wall.  Without the habit.  I feel the fear and I do it anyway in the interest of getting what I really want.  Safety.  Not safety in seclusion or isolation but safety within relationship.  Or course I won't find it everywhere I seek it, but if I don't seek it, I won't find it anywhere.

I may need to grieve. There's a reason I've held on to these habits for so long.  As much as they may hurt me today, once they served me and my habit has been a comforting friend for a long time.  So mourning and grieving the old way may be in order.

Old habits die hard.  Until they do I have so much to learn from them.  For now I know I'm on the right track.

Check out my last post: http://figuringmeoutintime.blogspot.co.il/2016/05/beyond-good-enough.html

Authenticity>Toothy Smiles

There's a disconnect in the world we live in today from who we really are.  I wear this mask for this friend and change for the next.  We turn on this persona for work and then change who we are completely for play (if we play at all).  I have a facade that comes out in groups and another when I'm alone with someone. We are a result of a pop culture telling us to keep our teeth perfectly white and straight, our hair thick and tidy, and to only wear clothes with brand names.  We're told to be happy and bouncy all the time while the late night infomercials tell us about this anti-depressant and the next, with possible side effects of depression and death.

The truth is, we're not happy all the time.  Some of us would love to be leaders and lights who just radiate joy all the time.  That's not practical, however.  By nature, as human beings our emotions are fluid.  We constantly move from one to the next often without realizing the causes. Many of us have trained ourselves not to feel this feeling or that one, having picked up along the way that anger is bad or sadness is weak. But they're there and the longer we fool ourselves into thinking they aren't, the more we cheat ourselves of being fully human and authentic.  Chances are, if we're blocking ourselves from anger of fear, we're also keeping ourselves from joy in many of life's moments.

One of the many avenues I've found that help men on their road to being fully expressive is authenticity.  Now that's a fancy word that may or may not carry a lot of meaning to you.

What is authenticity?  Webster's defines authentic as follows:

au·then·tic

adjective \ə-ˈthen-tik, ȯ-\

: real or genuine : not copied or false
: true and accurate

: made to be or look just like an original

Great! All set.  Now what?  

It is my belief, for a man to show up as his authentic self takes risk and vulnerability.  Now I know sometimes the word vulnerability can be scary as Hell.  Especially for men who are taught to be solid and manly (said in a deep voice with a grunt for good measure) all the time.  Seems to me though, that being able to be vulnerable and real with how I'm feeling takes guts.  Pardon me for saying so, but it takes balls.  Guts and balls are manly.

I once heard someone say "men are naturally tribal.  We're meant to be together."  So that's a start.  We all need safe communities in order to feel safe to be fully authentic and real.  Cause let's face it, my office isn't the best place for me to decide to finally unwrap the anger I've been sitting on, and my the dinner table with my spouse probably isn't ideal for me to let loose my pent up fears.  But there are other men out there who can and will support us in that.  I've just gotta take a chance.  It may be close friend or they may turn out to be therapists, coaches, or mentors.  But these men can help us open up, be real, and authentic.  They can help us be free. Ain't that what living fully is all about?!  I think so, because though possibly very comfortable most of the time, the mask gets really heavy now and then. The best part..?  When I give myself permission to be fully expressive, not only does it expand me, it unconsciously gives those around me permission to do the same.  Your bravery not only helps you, it's a gift to others.

I know this is where I started.  Together, we can start a revolution!

A song:

You're awesome,

Eric