Remember Who You Are

Often, as men, we forget who we are.  I got so many phone calls this week from men who I think just forgot.  I wouldn't be so audacious to say the story is always the same, but I will say, more often than not, the problem is more internal than external.  Something doesn't go right, or we get uncomfortable and suddenly we're evil, bad people who can't find our place and don't deserve anyone to rely on.  We're lonely, angry, sad, and afraid and our whole being becomes lost to the lie of who we think we are when we're at a low point. 

For better or worse this seems to be part of the human condition.  The relentless cycle of humanity. We stand up, we fall, and hopefully we get back up again. It seems way too easy to get caught up in the lie and live life behind the tinted glasses of how we think the world sees us (based mostly on what we think of ourselves).  Some people get so caught up in their faults and mistakes, they don't like the reflection looking back at them in the mirror anymore.  All of this because we tend to look at our flaws.  When was the last time you looked in the mirror and tried to only concentrate on your positives?  The last time you consciously tried to see the good you wear on your face and your sleeve, or the ones you carry in your character beneath the surface?

It's great to have people and friends around who can pick you up and remind you who you are.  People who can point out the you which you have forgotten or overlooked.  But there will also be the others.  Those people who bring you down and who remind you of your faults, your mistakes, and point out your shortcomings.  For these reasons we can't live based on outside input alone.  A positive self view needs to come from within.

This can be rough though, because I know my faults more intimately than anyone else.  The way out, I think, is not letting those faults or unfortunate instances define me.  It needs to start with a recognition that I am good.  I'm worthy and I have value, right now, in this and every moment.  Nothing I do and nothing you can say, can take this away from me.  It's a positive self belief, which sometimes I forget, but is always there.  Being good, worthy, and having value doesn't mean I'm perfect in any way.  I don't feel arrogance about them. I recognize when I do something wrong and I try to make necessary changes to right my wrongs.  I move on and I connect to my positive inner self who is good.  Who has got this.  I got this! 

How much better would our lives be if we remembered to keep practicing this?  If we bring ourselves up and out rather than down and in.  You?  You are great!  Today, as you are.  When I stop being limited by who I think I am I can start growing into who I know I ought to be.  When you stop forgetting and know what to remember, the sky becomes the limit.

When it comes to others, help him remember.  Help him do it on his own so he can remember even when you're not around.  May we all learn to remember who we are and shine our light unto others who need the same.

We listen, sure. But do we hear?

Listening.  Seems so simple.  Someone comes over to me and starts telling me something and I listen then respond accordingly.  Easy, right?  But is it? (Que the "duh duh duuuun" mystery music)

So often when others are speaking, we;re not listening at all.  I'm busy thinking of how I'm going to respond, or the same thing that happened to me once.  Maybe he's telling me about how he feels and I'm busy feeling what that sadness, anger, or happiness is like for me.  I may be doing all these or a million other things.  But I'm not listening.

Ok, men. We like to give advice.  Clearly.  But think for a second about how it feels to receive it.  Like it or not we have feelings like like those Venusians and sometimes those feelings just want to be seen and heard.  So what's it like, for you, when you're venting and someone starts to give you advice?  For me it's frustrating.  I've got piece of me which I'm holding inside and I've decided to share with you and you're just giving unsolicited advice.  I don't feel heard.  I don't feel that release of connecting to another human being.  They say a burden shared is a burden halved.  If you're not hearing me, my burden remains full.

There's a difference between listening and hearing.  Hearing a person requires a lot more attention.  More than this, I want to say really hearing a person requires more vulnerability.  When I'm really present enough to hear someone, I create connection.  When I sit for a presentation or a speech, I listen.  When someone talks to me one on one, I try harder to hear.  As  much as the presenter is trying to engage his or her audience, I don't think they're generally looking for connection.   Often, when people speak one to one, connection is just what they're looking for.

I saw a video this week from Dr. Brene Brown (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw) and I think this is the difference between sympathy and empathy she's speaking about.  Listening, I can be sympathetic, which surely has it's place.  Really hearing someone breeds empathy and connection.  Sometimes I listen, sometimes I hear, and sometimes I'm so busy with myself that I don't do either.  I've had many times in my life where someone comes to speak to me and I tell them I can't really listen right now (can we do this another time?).  Trust me, I've also had plenty of those times where I haven't listened at all and tried to pull off the ever so suave smile and nod move.  Everything in it's time.  Everything in it's place.

Often I find, the greatest gift I can give someone is to to listen.  To hear him.  To really connect and empathize with him as much as I can.  Sometimes the greatest gift is my presence and silence.  Nothing more than a listening ear.

Have a great weekend.
-Eric