We listen, sure. But do we hear?

Listening.  Seems so simple.  Someone comes over to me and starts telling me something and I listen then respond accordingly.  Easy, right?  But is it? (Que the "duh duh duuuun" mystery music)

So often when others are speaking, we;re not listening at all.  I'm busy thinking of how I'm going to respond, or the same thing that happened to me once.  Maybe he's telling me about how he feels and I'm busy feeling what that sadness, anger, or happiness is like for me.  I may be doing all these or a million other things.  But I'm not listening.

Ok, men. We like to give advice.  Clearly.  But think for a second about how it feels to receive it.  Like it or not we have feelings like like those Venusians and sometimes those feelings just want to be seen and heard.  So what's it like, for you, when you're venting and someone starts to give you advice?  For me it's frustrating.  I've got piece of me which I'm holding inside and I've decided to share with you and you're just giving unsolicited advice.  I don't feel heard.  I don't feel that release of connecting to another human being.  They say a burden shared is a burden halved.  If you're not hearing me, my burden remains full.

There's a difference between listening and hearing.  Hearing a person requires a lot more attention.  More than this, I want to say really hearing a person requires more vulnerability.  When I'm really present enough to hear someone, I create connection.  When I sit for a presentation or a speech, I listen.  When someone talks to me one on one, I try harder to hear.  As  much as the presenter is trying to engage his or her audience, I don't think they're generally looking for connection.   Often, when people speak one to one, connection is just what they're looking for.

I saw a video this week from Dr. Brene Brown (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw) and I think this is the difference between sympathy and empathy she's speaking about.  Listening, I can be sympathetic, which surely has it's place.  Really hearing someone breeds empathy and connection.  Sometimes I listen, sometimes I hear, and sometimes I'm so busy with myself that I don't do either.  I've had many times in my life where someone comes to speak to me and I tell them I can't really listen right now (can we do this another time?).  Trust me, I've also had plenty of those times where I haven't listened at all and tried to pull off the ever so suave smile and nod move.  Everything in it's time.  Everything in it's place.

Often I find, the greatest gift I can give someone is to to listen.  To hear him.  To really connect and empathize with him as much as I can.  Sometimes the greatest gift is my presence and silence.  Nothing more than a listening ear.

Have a great weekend.
-Eric