Not Even Everyone Likes Vanilla

There's a not so fine line between being real or open and full exposure or brutal honesty.  I've had countless conversations with others about how they have a desire to be completely open and honest with everyone about who they are, their deep darkness, and their shadows in order to feel completely accepted.  It's a difficult call to make.  Wouldn't it be nice if being real and being vulnerable didn't have to be congruous?  There is risk involved and though most may, there will always be those who don't love you for who you are.  No one can please everyone.  Not even everyone likes vanilla.  

The conundrum, I believe, comes as a result of an inherent desire we carry as human beings to be loved and accepted for who we are.  While the desire is healthy and natural, it leads people into debates like this one.  Do I share or do I hide?  Should I be open or keep things to myself?  How will I know I'm acceptable for who I am if I don't share who I really am?

There's absolutely no reason anyone should have to go through life hiding.  We all need people we trust who will return our trust with attention, affection, and affirmation.  All of us.  Some of us need it more than others but it's something we all need in one way or another.  The most important person who needs to accept me though, is myself.  In some ways I'm also the most difficult because there's not a single fall, failure, or misdeed that I'm not present for in my own life.  It is, however, quite difficult to find acceptance and love in others when I don't accept myself.  I believe this is where the need for everyone to accept me comes into play.  It's when I don't have it for myself that I need it from all people outside of me and when this is the case, I have a desire to be fully transparent with everyone in order to test their acceptance of me.  

It begins at home.  Self acceptance doesn't mean I'm perfect.  It doesn't mean I'm finished with my growth.  It means even as dissatisfied as I may be with myself at this point because of my thoughts or behaviors, I respect where I am.  I see myself and accept where I am, maintaining my desire for continued growth.  When I can be myself with myself and give myself permission to be the way I am, I can begin to accept myself more fully in the presence of others, even without their approval. 
 
I personally don't believe the old saying "one can't love others until he loves himself," but I do think we can love more fully and better engage in relationship from this place of self-love.  I believe we can be fully who we are and still maintain a level of appropriateness for each specific relationship.  A different level of transparency with each one. 

Your story will inspire others.  It's yours and you should feel intimate, and connected to your process.  We've all been though difficulty and change.  We've all made decisions and encountered defeat in some form or another.  My thoughts on the subject however are this.  Though it will inspire others, not everyone deserves to know your story.  Not everyone needs to know the skeletons you keep in your closet.  Some people will accept you for the public you. With close friends who really know you and fill your tank with attention, affection, and affirmation it's no longer necessary to share all of me with everyone.  Not being fully real doesn't make you fake.  Not everyone deserves to know your story. Not everyone will accept you for who you are.  That's fine.  Not even everyone likes vanilla.  


For a look at my last post click here.

Happy, Peppy, Beautiful People

I'm reminded of an old I Love Lucy episode.  One of the classics.  The Vitameatavegamin episode.
Lucy says, "why don't you join the thousands of happy, peppy, people..."  The chosen ones. The people others want to be around.

This week someone referred to me as one of "the beautiful people."  Didn't sit well with me.  I know it was meant as a compliment but it didn't feel right at all.  I also worried that it set me apart and in a way made me less approachable.

As the guy who roots for the underdog, I guess I've come to associate myself with the pack.  Heck, it makes sense.  The guy who grew up kinda chunky, doing things just a bit slower than most in childhood, the guy who liked staying after school, talking to teachers and extra curricular projects.  Not sure I ever felt like the oddball but looking back on it this way sure seems like I may have been.

I wasn't chatty and I still don't think I am.  I was shy and needed to be in my element in order to feel like I had what to offer and feel comfortable.  I was part of a group of friends but we were more like the Goonies than "the plastics."  It was life, it was fine and I guess it became my identity.  I didn't envy the cool kids or try in anyway to be a part of them.  It wasn't my comfort zone and it wasn't where I wanted to be.

I was pretty thrown off the first time someone referred to me as cool.  The title sits on a raw nerve with me and I'm sitting here wondering why.

I think it's the labels again.  Those ideas I've carried about myself and the ways I've taken on as a definition of who I am.  This time it's "not cool" which I've worn for a long time and while it never sat with me as something negative and I've even worn it with pride, it's put me in a box again keeping me from fully being me.  Whatever that means.

What's wrong with being cool you might ask.  Well, in my world there's responsibility that comes with being cool.  There's an air of confidence and an "it's all good" attitude which I think I need to pull off without fail if I'm to wear the cool label.  Who needs that pressure!?  Not I. No sir.

In a way, political correctness has pushed us into this corner telling us which  differences should be rejected and which should be celebrated.  Who is acceptable and who isn't.  It's created a culture of fake acceptance.  Movie stars and singing idols who preach and sing about drug abuse and promiscuous sex are celebrated and given the highest honors while the bible toting common man is pushed away for his babbling and bigotry.  No wonder I think twice before reveling in my newfound place among the "beautiful people." 


I'm still left with the question of what's changed in me for people to have begun seeing me in this new light.  Looking back  I do think something has shifted which may have caused this phenomenon.  I'm much less shy now than I used to be.  I speak and voice my opinions much more freely.  I'm less intimidated.  I love my dark humor and use it when I show up to teach as the heavy-set, "realist-with-melancholy-tendencies," weirdo I am.  I've accepted the things that make me me and I embrace those which make me different. Not all the time or always 100% but I'm closer than I've ever been.

It takes courage to be yourself in today's day and age.  The seemingly simplest of  things has become one of the most difficult.  Leo Buscaglia said, most of us remain strangers to ourselves, hiding who we are, and ask other strangers, hiding who they are, to love us.  What a shame.  What a waste of individuality and creative potential.

I just want to be me.  I want to live a life of my morals.  My judgments.  My choices.  My self.  No labels.  No faking.

Good luck!

P.S. I believe self acceptance (that isn't pride) is not only alluring and engaging to others but it's contagious as well.  Be the change the world needs. 



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