Not Even Everyone Likes Vanilla

There's a not so fine line between being real or open and full exposure or brutal honesty.  I've had countless conversations with others about how they have a desire to be completely open and honest with everyone about who they are, their deep darkness, and their shadows in order to feel completely accepted.  It's a difficult call to make.  Wouldn't it be nice if being real and being vulnerable didn't have to be congruous?  There is risk involved and though most may, there will always be those who don't love you for who you are.  No one can please everyone.  Not even everyone likes vanilla.  

The conundrum, I believe, comes as a result of an inherent desire we carry as human beings to be loved and accepted for who we are.  While the desire is healthy and natural, it leads people into debates like this one.  Do I share or do I hide?  Should I be open or keep things to myself?  How will I know I'm acceptable for who I am if I don't share who I really am?

There's absolutely no reason anyone should have to go through life hiding.  We all need people we trust who will return our trust with attention, affection, and affirmation.  All of us.  Some of us need it more than others but it's something we all need in one way or another.  The most important person who needs to accept me though, is myself.  In some ways I'm also the most difficult because there's not a single fall, failure, or misdeed that I'm not present for in my own life.  It is, however, quite difficult to find acceptance and love in others when I don't accept myself.  I believe this is where the need for everyone to accept me comes into play.  It's when I don't have it for myself that I need it from all people outside of me and when this is the case, I have a desire to be fully transparent with everyone in order to test their acceptance of me.  

It begins at home.  Self acceptance doesn't mean I'm perfect.  It doesn't mean I'm finished with my growth.  It means even as dissatisfied as I may be with myself at this point because of my thoughts or behaviors, I respect where I am.  I see myself and accept where I am, maintaining my desire for continued growth.  When I can be myself with myself and give myself permission to be the way I am, I can begin to accept myself more fully in the presence of others, even without their approval. 
 
I personally don't believe the old saying "one can't love others until he loves himself," but I do think we can love more fully and better engage in relationship from this place of self-love.  I believe we can be fully who we are and still maintain a level of appropriateness for each specific relationship.  A different level of transparency with each one. 

Your story will inspire others.  It's yours and you should feel intimate, and connected to your process.  We've all been though difficulty and change.  We've all made decisions and encountered defeat in some form or another.  My thoughts on the subject however are this.  Though it will inspire others, not everyone deserves to know your story.  Not everyone needs to know the skeletons you keep in your closet.  Some people will accept you for the public you. With close friends who really know you and fill your tank with attention, affection, and affirmation it's no longer necessary to share all of me with everyone.  Not being fully real doesn't make you fake.  Not everyone deserves to know your story. Not everyone will accept you for who you are.  That's fine.  Not even everyone likes vanilla.  


For a look at my last post click here.

Robbin Williams, Bio Genetics, & Letting Go

I had a great conversation with someone last week.  We were taking a class together and he came over to me and said, when something is over dramatized I find it very hard to relate to.  So much so that I can't learn from it.  If someone is overly dramatic, he's being inauthentic.  And if he's being inauthentic then I can't believe what he's saying.  

It's an interesting idea so I gave it some thought and was really happy to have the conversation.  I was thinking, so often I, we...  People turn themselves off to things because of internal beliefs.  I think fat men are lazy, real men are social, women won't relate, people of that religion are crazy, I'm not smart enough to do that, or... Over dramatization is inauthentic.  But what if that doesn't serve me? What if Robbin Williams gave a really great class on bio genetics and that's my field?  Do I really want to turn myself off to that because my definitive belief is if someone is teaching that way he can't be trusted because he's not being real?  The information is good and I have what to learn from him...  But he's so fake!

It's hard to hack into our internal belief system and rewire.  I totally get that.  If surrendering a belief that didn't serve me was an easy thing to do, I'd probably be in a better job, with a healthier body and happier family.  My guess is a lot of people would.  So fine, it's difficult...  But is it worth it?

So I posed this guy a question.  I told him I got a lot out of the class, and though dramatic I think the man was being totally real in his delivery.  Completely authentic.  Theoretically a man can convince himself that blue is red, orange is green, and purple is turquoise.  Let's say there was a case where that served him a great purpose.  Would he be wrong?  This belief you have; over dramatization is inauthentic. Does that serve you?  Or does it hold you back?  I don't know about you, but I don't think there are too many opportunities to learn bio genetics from Robbin Williams.  I wouldn't want to write it off because I'd convinced myself anyone with that kind of delivery isn't worth listening to.  

I never got my answer from the guy because I had to run.  But I think those 4 little words hit their mark.  They certainly left an impression on me.  "Does that serve you?"

There will surely be beliefs I'm going to have that will be very difficult to give up.  Grueling to part with.  A real battle.  Some may have kept me safe for years but now instead of protecting me, they keep me a prisoner.   Sometimes I've learned, and probably even more often than that, the effort to let go of those beliefs is worth it.  

Till next time,
Eric