For the longest time....

For the longest time I've wanted to start a blog because I have so many random thoughts throughout my day I want to share.  I just haven't gotten up the gumption or been able to find the time to put a coherent thought to page.  (I'm not certain this will be any different).  I figured the way to finally do it is to create the blog, pick the name and the page design and wait for the inspiration to come.

How fitting.  My life seems to be a constant series of guess and test.  Trying on one item after the other looking for the right fit.  Will I be a lawyer or a chef?  A doctor or an accountant?  Do I want to invest in more school or do I want to go straight into the workforce?  Do I want to get married soon or stay single for awhile longer?  Should I wear black sock or gray?  The decisions are constantly there to make and some I agonize over while others I just make instinctively without even realizing there was a decision there to make.

I know I have reasons for all that I do.  Sometimes not the greatest ones, but reasons.  And I believe that every human behavior has a positive purpose.  Yet I feel shame and sadness for those negative things I do.  So what do I do to get over the shame?

I believe that as human beings we're gonna make mistakes.  I make mistakes.  A lot of them actually.  Sometimes a man needs to go down in order to go up.  I've experienced that.  I've seen it happen.  Actually, I've probably experienced that even more in the last few years of trying to understand myself and grow than I have in my life prior to that.  

This summer I met a friend I hadn't seen in a year.  I was on vacation, away from my life in all its hum drum glory for 3 weeks.  When it came time to go back home I shared with him I was scared.  Scared of going back to all the things I was struggling with before I found this oasis of freedom and fun.  Back home where there's a job with lots of responsibility and a wife and kids that challenge me every day.  Though I sorely missed my family and even my job a bit, the fantasy seemed so much more appealing.

Then he told me something I think I'll find hard to forget.  He said, "you're not the same man you were 3 weeks ago."  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  This is what I've been working toward for years now.  An awareness that this moment doesn't have to be melded and shaped by the last and the man I am today doesn't have to be the man I was yesterday.  I have a choice.

I've heard it said that if you're stuck thinking about your past or worrying about your future, you're missing your present moment.  And intimacy with the present moment only happens right now.  Once this moment is gone, I've lost it forever.  Breathing has been a huge help to me.  Something so simple.  When I breathe consciously I connect to my body.  I connect to myself.  With just breathing I get to spend time being present with my moment.  

It reminds me of when I got married.  Someone advised me to make sure to wear a watch to my wedding.  He told me if I don't make note of the time throughout the night, it'll be all too easy to forget over time.  He was right too.  Know how I know?  I forgot to actually look at my watch and if it weren't for pictures it would be hard for you to convince me that really happened some days.

So I breathe.  I connect to what I'm feeling at the moment.  I breathe into what going on inside me and I give space to and feel my anger. I feel my sadness.  I feel my fear.  And I feel my joy.

It's only when I allow myself to connect to my present moment and to listen to and understand what I'm feeling, I start to figure me out.

-Eric