Robbin Williams, Bio Genetics, & Letting Go

I had a great conversation with someone last week.  We were taking a class together and he came over to me and said, when something is over dramatized I find it very hard to relate to.  So much so that I can't learn from it.  If someone is overly dramatic, he's being inauthentic.  And if he's being inauthentic then I can't believe what he's saying.  

It's an interesting idea so I gave it some thought and was really happy to have the conversation.  I was thinking, so often I, we...  People turn themselves off to things because of internal beliefs.  I think fat men are lazy, real men are social, women won't relate, people of that religion are crazy, I'm not smart enough to do that, or... Over dramatization is inauthentic.  But what if that doesn't serve me? What if Robbin Williams gave a really great class on bio genetics and that's my field?  Do I really want to turn myself off to that because my definitive belief is if someone is teaching that way he can't be trusted because he's not being real?  The information is good and I have what to learn from him...  But he's so fake!

It's hard to hack into our internal belief system and rewire.  I totally get that.  If surrendering a belief that didn't serve me was an easy thing to do, I'd probably be in a better job, with a healthier body and happier family.  My guess is a lot of people would.  So fine, it's difficult...  But is it worth it?

So I posed this guy a question.  I told him I got a lot out of the class, and though dramatic I think the man was being totally real in his delivery.  Completely authentic.  Theoretically a man can convince himself that blue is red, orange is green, and purple is turquoise.  Let's say there was a case where that served him a great purpose.  Would he be wrong?  This belief you have; over dramatization is inauthentic. Does that serve you?  Or does it hold you back?  I don't know about you, but I don't think there are too many opportunities to learn bio genetics from Robbin Williams.  I wouldn't want to write it off because I'd convinced myself anyone with that kind of delivery isn't worth listening to.  

I never got my answer from the guy because I had to run.  But I think those 4 little words hit their mark.  They certainly left an impression on me.  "Does that serve you?"

There will surely be beliefs I'm going to have that will be very difficult to give up.  Grueling to part with.  A real battle.  Some may have kept me safe for years but now instead of protecting me, they keep me a prisoner.   Sometimes I've learned, and probably even more often than that, the effort to let go of those beliefs is worth it.  

Till next time,
Eric

Do I deserve?

Do we really deserve anything?  Does the world owe us something?  Does G-d?  He put us here for a reason, but does He owe us anything on our journey?

In the context of therapy and healing I've heard many people say things from "I deserve love" to "I deserve to be heard", "seen," or "respected."  It's actually quite an extensive list.  But are they fooling themselves into just feeling good?  Do we really deserve something from this world?  And if so, do we earn that deserving or are we born with it?

Human beings NEED to believe they deserve certain things in order to survive.  In order to lead healthy, well adjusted lives they must recognize that they have some innate sense of self worth.  But are those of us that have been "enlightened" just tooting our own horns?

Here's my take on it.  We are men created in the image of our creator.  As human beings, we innately deserve to be unconditionally loved, respected, heard, seen, cherished, etc.  Now, I want to be clear...  I once saw a man throw a chair across a room because the man helping him kept using the word "deserve," and he didn't want to "deserve" it.  He wanted to be loved unconditionally, even when he didn't deserve it.  And he's right.  We're worthy of unconditional love.  But we don't always get things just because we're worthy of them.  Our creator, in His infinite wisdom puts us in situations sometimes where we won't get those needs met.  (And sometimes we do it to ourselves, but that's a whole different post).  So yeah, as men created in the image of G-d we deserve it, but He'll decide whether or not to give it to us today.  You might say, God gives us what we need, when we need it no matter what we deserve.

Let's use respect as an example.  How does it serve me to think I'm deserving of respect when I'm being treated like yesterday's leftovers at an all you can eat buffet? Well, let's look at Moses.  Moses was described as "the most humble of all people." (Numbers 12:3)  Moses knew that G-d was leading the Hebrews out of Egypt and through the desert via him.  He knew that he had a speech impediment and for many years he'd been a simple shepherd.  But the idea of Moses's humility wasn't knowing he was a nothing throughout his leadership.  It was knowing he was a something.  Knowing that with his simplicity, and his challenges with speech he deserved to be the leader of Israel.

Had he shrunk back and said "nah, I'm nobody and I'm not good enough to lead these people" that wouldn't have been the humility the Torah describes.  That would be a man putting himself down and not respecting his worth.  And what happens when a man puts himself down and doesn't respect his worth?  He doesn't function or produce to his fullest.  Had Moses told himself, I'm a nothing, he wouldn't have been able to do what he did.  It was only because he knew who he was with all his limitations, yet still recognized his value that he was able to remain humble and lead a great nation.  That's humility.  Even more, it's by knowing we deserve respect, even in the face of adversity that we can still stand up straight, push through and move on with our dignity and sense of self intact.

I read this somewhere today.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of G-d that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone!
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
                                                                                                       -Marianne Williamson

So I won't always be heard.  People won't always respect me.  I'll be overlooked for a promotion I wanted or my best friend will forget my birthday. Maybe some of those things have already happened in your life? You still deserve...

You deserve to shine.  As do I.

-Eric

For the longest time....

For the longest time I've wanted to start a blog because I have so many random thoughts throughout my day I want to share.  I just haven't gotten up the gumption or been able to find the time to put a coherent thought to page.  (I'm not certain this will be any different).  I figured the way to finally do it is to create the blog, pick the name and the page design and wait for the inspiration to come.

How fitting.  My life seems to be a constant series of guess and test.  Trying on one item after the other looking for the right fit.  Will I be a lawyer or a chef?  A doctor or an accountant?  Do I want to invest in more school or do I want to go straight into the workforce?  Do I want to get married soon or stay single for awhile longer?  Should I wear black sock or gray?  The decisions are constantly there to make and some I agonize over while others I just make instinctively without even realizing there was a decision there to make.

I know I have reasons for all that I do.  Sometimes not the greatest ones, but reasons.  And I believe that every human behavior has a positive purpose.  Yet I feel shame and sadness for those negative things I do.  So what do I do to get over the shame?

I believe that as human beings we're gonna make mistakes.  I make mistakes.  A lot of them actually.  Sometimes a man needs to go down in order to go up.  I've experienced that.  I've seen it happen.  Actually, I've probably experienced that even more in the last few years of trying to understand myself and grow than I have in my life prior to that.  

This summer I met a friend I hadn't seen in a year.  I was on vacation, away from my life in all its hum drum glory for 3 weeks.  When it came time to go back home I shared with him I was scared.  Scared of going back to all the things I was struggling with before I found this oasis of freedom and fun.  Back home where there's a job with lots of responsibility and a wife and kids that challenge me every day.  Though I sorely missed my family and even my job a bit, the fantasy seemed so much more appealing.

Then he told me something I think I'll find hard to forget.  He said, "you're not the same man you were 3 weeks ago."  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  This is what I've been working toward for years now.  An awareness that this moment doesn't have to be melded and shaped by the last and the man I am today doesn't have to be the man I was yesterday.  I have a choice.

I've heard it said that if you're stuck thinking about your past or worrying about your future, you're missing your present moment.  And intimacy with the present moment only happens right now.  Once this moment is gone, I've lost it forever.  Breathing has been a huge help to me.  Something so simple.  When I breathe consciously I connect to my body.  I connect to myself.  With just breathing I get to spend time being present with my moment.  

It reminds me of when I got married.  Someone advised me to make sure to wear a watch to my wedding.  He told me if I don't make note of the time throughout the night, it'll be all too easy to forget over time.  He was right too.  Know how I know?  I forgot to actually look at my watch and if it weren't for pictures it would be hard for you to convince me that really happened some days.

So I breathe.  I connect to what I'm feeling at the moment.  I breathe into what going on inside me and I give space to and feel my anger. I feel my sadness.  I feel my fear.  And I feel my joy.

It's only when I allow myself to connect to my present moment and to listen to and understand what I'm feeling, I start to figure me out.

-Eric