Who wants to be normal anyway?

Sometimes it takes an action to rededicate myself to my work and growth.  Some big bang of an action to remind myself I'm in the game and I'm in it to win it.

It's time to shake things up and make a change.  A mentor of mine once said to me, "a difference that makes no difference, is no difference."  It really stuck with me.  I can do all these little things to try and make changes in my life but there's no real change.  I'm not about to discount or discredit the small stuff, I'm all about the baby steps, but sometimes, personally I really need to instigate a big change.

I've seen this graphic many times:

This is part of what I think it's going to take to make a change.  I have a goal in life.  In addition to being a good husband, father, and man in general, I want to make a change.  I want to live my life authentically and with my own genuine self expression.  I don't want to be anyone else, I just want to be me.  With so much outside influence though, it's sometimes tough to figure out who I am.  So I keep at it, trying to consciously be me as often as I remember.  In addition to living my life this way I want to help others find their own genuine self expression and be them.  By me being me, I believe I give them permission to be them.

Sometimes I think my comfort zone isn't really mine.  It's that of others.  I get locked in, to what others think I should be doing, how they think I should dress, act and even how I should feel.  Nuh uh!  Not for me.  No, thank you.  Not gonna work for me.  If I'm going to be who I want to be and accomplish what I want to accomplish, I'm going to need to find my own comfort zone, and even when I do, I'm going to need to leave once in awhile.  Like those times when I'm feeling down and don't know why, or in a funk that last awhile and I don't know how to get past or out of it.

I wasn't created to be like everyone else.  I believe there's a reason for my being here and if I'm like everyone else I don't bring anything unique to the table.
So sometimes, in order to make things happen instead of waiting for them to, it takes a boom.  A big
excursion from my comfort zone in order to find my personal expression and myself again. So how can I make a boom today?




Some personal expression for me today (this was playing in my head while writing this:) ) :

Knives, Hurt, & Quasi-Reality

I cut my finger this week.  It was pretty deep and pretty bad.  I don't do hospitals if I can avoid them so I held it up in the air, put on pressure and waited for it to stop bleeding.  I remember the yelp I let out when it happened but it was the shock more than the pain.  Once it stopped bleeding (at least mostly) I was able to get through my work day with minimal difficulty.  Other than the few times it hit it into something it barley hurt.  Until the day after...

The following day, often when I was using a knife again or looking down at my bandaged finger I'd get this phantom feeling of getting sliced by that knife again.  Those feelings, along with the residual pain of the wound, hurt more and were more bothersome than the incident itself.  True to the introspective person I tend to be, it got me thinking about other kinds of pain.  Emotional pain.

Often in life, the aftermath of something is unbelievably worse than the event itself.  So many children go through horribly traumatic childhoods not knowing anything is wrong, yet when they grow older some realize something isn't right in their lives.  Eventually it comes time to confront their reality and those pieces of a past they've brought with them which may be holding them back now.  In retrospect, an incident or series of incidents may have just past by at the time seemingly having rolled off our backs into the abyss.  Maybe they hurt to go through, but I kept a stiff upper lip and plowed my way through.  As an adult however, we bring in a stronger perspective of right and wrong and remembering and confronting these events of the past can be horribly painful. 

Based on memories, photographs and what we manage to hear from others we piece together the pieces and come out with a collage of what seems to be a path to how I got here.  But I'll never know.  No matter how much I remember (or don't) there will be blanks which only G-d can fill in. So I'm left with my quasi-reality or the reality I've created for myself.  Maybe I create issues out of things that never were issues to begin with?  I actually think this may be quite common and possibly even unavoidable.  I also think however, it's a necessary evil and unless I'm turning my pain into my drug of choice  I'm still on the best track I can be on.  Dare I say...  The right track.

Another potential problem comes about when we don't remember. When we create realities of what happened based on our pain rather than understanding our pain based on reality.  I've seen men start to tackle their emotional issues only to then realize the mistreatment at the hands of someone.  I've seen relationships fall apart as a result of a new perspective on something that happened 20 or more years ago.  While I think confronting the hurt and forming perspective is essential, I think destroying a relationship as a result is rash (unless of course the same treatment or behavior is still happening today).  Each man has his right to choose his direction and what works for him.

Often it does get worse before it gets better.  Way worse.  Sometimes opening up floodgates of grief, loss, pain, sadness, and fear can be dangerous and have repercussions.  Actually, there are probably always going to be repercussions.  The question becomes, what do we do with the new perspective and the hurt? 

First and foremost it's probably important to realize, you are normal.  Just as the healing process for my finger will hurt, so will the healing process for my perspective, my being, my relationships, my attitude, and my soul.  The hurt doesn't mean it's not working.  After that the rest is really individual to each and up to each one of us.  Try and be open.  Continue to allow your perspective to change.  Don't get bogged down by the past or and quasi-reality you've created for yourself today. 


                                                                                  Hang in there,
                                                                                                     Eric

Modesty?

There's a common misconception I've encountered with people being ashamed of themselves, their bodies, and their behavior.  The problem with shame is we tend to sit and stew in it rather than use it to move us along.  In my life, as a rule, anything that doesn't move me, isn't serving me.

I received a question from a friend recently who was on a retreat with his buddies and encountered a locker room situation.  Some of the men walked around in robes or towels being careful not to show anymore skin than they were used to, carefully undressing beneath, only removing it behind the shower curtain, and blindly reaching for the towel  hook while holding the curtain against the wall.   Then...  Well, then there were the other guys.  The men who walked around proudly strutting their naked bodies with a towel flung haphazardly over their shoulder or left behind entirely.  My friend being part of the former group, asked me, "How do they balance modesty?  On one hand I wish I could walk around like they do but on the other hand I'm supposed to be modest in the way I present myself."
 
I thought it was an excellent question and it got me thinking.  There's surely what to be said for having inner and external freedom to walk around like that, but what about modesty?  I think maybe the answer is in the understating of the word modesty and how it's completely different than shame.  So I started by answering him, shame and modesty are so far from being same thing.  My friend was floored just by that simple idea even before I offered any explanation.  Modesty is about being humble and free from vanity and egotism or from showing off.  Modesty is about preserving the beauty of my internal self. Shame is about believing something is wrong with my internal self.  Shame shrinks me and tells me there is something wrong with me.  This man had spent his entire life believing that his personal modesty meant he was supposed to be ashamed, and even more so, actually embarrassed of his body.  This couldn't be further from the truth. (Not to mention, in our society today there's  a huge problem of over-sexualization of our bodies which makes it more difficult for men to be comfortable. A great article from another blog: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/badcatholic/2012/06/naked-men.html).  Modesty is about preserving the beauty within, not about feeling like there's something wrong and we therefor need to hide it or cover it up.

So I don't have an answer about what's right or wrong for this guy.  But towel or no towel, what I do know is shame shouldn't be what holds him back. 

  

Authenticity>Toothy Smiles

There's a disconnect in the world we live in today from who we really are.  I wear this mask for this friend and change for the next.  We turn on this persona for work and then change who we are completely for play (if we play at all).  I have a facade that comes out in groups and another when I'm alone with someone. We are a result of a pop culture telling us to keep our teeth perfectly white and straight, our hair thick and tidy, and to only wear clothes with brand names.  We're told to be happy and bouncy all the time while the late night infomercials tell us about this anti-depressant and the next, with possible side effects of depression and death.

The truth is, we're not happy all the time.  Some of us would love to be leaders and lights who just radiate joy all the time.  That's not practical, however.  By nature, as human beings our emotions are fluid.  We constantly move from one to the next often without realizing the causes. Many of us have trained ourselves not to feel this feeling or that one, having picked up along the way that anger is bad or sadness is weak. But they're there and the longer we fool ourselves into thinking they aren't, the more we cheat ourselves of being fully human and authentic.  Chances are, if we're blocking ourselves from anger of fear, we're also keeping ourselves from joy in many of life's moments.

One of the many avenues I've found that help men on their road to being fully expressive is authenticity.  Now that's a fancy word that may or may not carry a lot of meaning to you.

What is authenticity?  Webster's defines authentic as follows:

au·then·tic

adjective \ə-ˈthen-tik, ȯ-\

: real or genuine : not copied or false
: true and accurate

: made to be or look just like an original

Great! All set.  Now what?  

It is my belief, for a man to show up as his authentic self takes risk and vulnerability.  Now I know sometimes the word vulnerability can be scary as Hell.  Especially for men who are taught to be solid and manly (said in a deep voice with a grunt for good measure) all the time.  Seems to me though, that being able to be vulnerable and real with how I'm feeling takes guts.  Pardon me for saying so, but it takes balls.  Guts and balls are manly.

I once heard someone say "men are naturally tribal.  We're meant to be together."  So that's a start.  We all need safe communities in order to feel safe to be fully authentic and real.  Cause let's face it, my office isn't the best place for me to decide to finally unwrap the anger I've been sitting on, and my the dinner table with my spouse probably isn't ideal for me to let loose my pent up fears.  But there are other men out there who can and will support us in that.  I've just gotta take a chance.  It may be close friend or they may turn out to be therapists, coaches, or mentors.  But these men can help us open up, be real, and authentic.  They can help us be free. Ain't that what living fully is all about?!  I think so, because though possibly very comfortable most of the time, the mask gets really heavy now and then. The best part..?  When I give myself permission to be fully expressive, not only does it expand me, it unconsciously gives those around me permission to do the same.  Your bravery not only helps you, it's a gift to others.

I know this is where I started.  Together, we can start a revolution!

A song:

You're awesome,

Eric

Robbin Williams, Bio Genetics, & Letting Go

I had a great conversation with someone last week.  We were taking a class together and he came over to me and said, when something is over dramatized I find it very hard to relate to.  So much so that I can't learn from it.  If someone is overly dramatic, he's being inauthentic.  And if he's being inauthentic then I can't believe what he's saying.  

It's an interesting idea so I gave it some thought and was really happy to have the conversation.  I was thinking, so often I, we...  People turn themselves off to things because of internal beliefs.  I think fat men are lazy, real men are social, women won't relate, people of that religion are crazy, I'm not smart enough to do that, or... Over dramatization is inauthentic.  But what if that doesn't serve me? What if Robbin Williams gave a really great class on bio genetics and that's my field?  Do I really want to turn myself off to that because my definitive belief is if someone is teaching that way he can't be trusted because he's not being real?  The information is good and I have what to learn from him...  But he's so fake!

It's hard to hack into our internal belief system and rewire.  I totally get that.  If surrendering a belief that didn't serve me was an easy thing to do, I'd probably be in a better job, with a healthier body and happier family.  My guess is a lot of people would.  So fine, it's difficult...  But is it worth it?

So I posed this guy a question.  I told him I got a lot out of the class, and though dramatic I think the man was being totally real in his delivery.  Completely authentic.  Theoretically a man can convince himself that blue is red, orange is green, and purple is turquoise.  Let's say there was a case where that served him a great purpose.  Would he be wrong?  This belief you have; over dramatization is inauthentic. Does that serve you?  Or does it hold you back?  I don't know about you, but I don't think there are too many opportunities to learn bio genetics from Robbin Williams.  I wouldn't want to write it off because I'd convinced myself anyone with that kind of delivery isn't worth listening to.  

I never got my answer from the guy because I had to run.  But I think those 4 little words hit their mark.  They certainly left an impression on me.  "Does that serve you?"

There will surely be beliefs I'm going to have that will be very difficult to give up.  Grueling to part with.  A real battle.  Some may have kept me safe for years but now instead of protecting me, they keep me a prisoner.   Sometimes I've learned, and probably even more often than that, the effort to let go of those beliefs is worth it.  

Till next time,
Eric

Do I deserve?

Do we really deserve anything?  Does the world owe us something?  Does G-d?  He put us here for a reason, but does He owe us anything on our journey?

In the context of therapy and healing I've heard many people say things from "I deserve love" to "I deserve to be heard", "seen," or "respected."  It's actually quite an extensive list.  But are they fooling themselves into just feeling good?  Do we really deserve something from this world?  And if so, do we earn that deserving or are we born with it?

Human beings NEED to believe they deserve certain things in order to survive.  In order to lead healthy, well adjusted lives they must recognize that they have some innate sense of self worth.  But are those of us that have been "enlightened" just tooting our own horns?

Here's my take on it.  We are men created in the image of our creator.  As human beings, we innately deserve to be unconditionally loved, respected, heard, seen, cherished, etc.  Now, I want to be clear...  I once saw a man throw a chair across a room because the man helping him kept using the word "deserve," and he didn't want to "deserve" it.  He wanted to be loved unconditionally, even when he didn't deserve it.  And he's right.  We're worthy of unconditional love.  But we don't always get things just because we're worthy of them.  Our creator, in His infinite wisdom puts us in situations sometimes where we won't get those needs met.  (And sometimes we do it to ourselves, but that's a whole different post).  So yeah, as men created in the image of G-d we deserve it, but He'll decide whether or not to give it to us today.  You might say, God gives us what we need, when we need it no matter what we deserve.

Let's use respect as an example.  How does it serve me to think I'm deserving of respect when I'm being treated like yesterday's leftovers at an all you can eat buffet? Well, let's look at Moses.  Moses was described as "the most humble of all people." (Numbers 12:3)  Moses knew that G-d was leading the Hebrews out of Egypt and through the desert via him.  He knew that he had a speech impediment and for many years he'd been a simple shepherd.  But the idea of Moses's humility wasn't knowing he was a nothing throughout his leadership.  It was knowing he was a something.  Knowing that with his simplicity, and his challenges with speech he deserved to be the leader of Israel.

Had he shrunk back and said "nah, I'm nobody and I'm not good enough to lead these people" that wouldn't have been the humility the Torah describes.  That would be a man putting himself down and not respecting his worth.  And what happens when a man puts himself down and doesn't respect his worth?  He doesn't function or produce to his fullest.  Had Moses told himself, I'm a nothing, he wouldn't have been able to do what he did.  It was only because he knew who he was with all his limitations, yet still recognized his value that he was able to remain humble and lead a great nation.  That's humility.  Even more, it's by knowing we deserve respect, even in the face of adversity that we can still stand up straight, push through and move on with our dignity and sense of self intact.

I read this somewhere today.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of G-d that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone!
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
                                                                                                       -Marianne Williamson

So I won't always be heard.  People won't always respect me.  I'll be overlooked for a promotion I wanted or my best friend will forget my birthday. Maybe some of those things have already happened in your life? You still deserve...

You deserve to shine.  As do I.

-Eric

For the longest time....

For the longest time I've wanted to start a blog because I have so many random thoughts throughout my day I want to share.  I just haven't gotten up the gumption or been able to find the time to put a coherent thought to page.  (I'm not certain this will be any different).  I figured the way to finally do it is to create the blog, pick the name and the page design and wait for the inspiration to come.

How fitting.  My life seems to be a constant series of guess and test.  Trying on one item after the other looking for the right fit.  Will I be a lawyer or a chef?  A doctor or an accountant?  Do I want to invest in more school or do I want to go straight into the workforce?  Do I want to get married soon or stay single for awhile longer?  Should I wear black sock or gray?  The decisions are constantly there to make and some I agonize over while others I just make instinctively without even realizing there was a decision there to make.

I know I have reasons for all that I do.  Sometimes not the greatest ones, but reasons.  And I believe that every human behavior has a positive purpose.  Yet I feel shame and sadness for those negative things I do.  So what do I do to get over the shame?

I believe that as human beings we're gonna make mistakes.  I make mistakes.  A lot of them actually.  Sometimes a man needs to go down in order to go up.  I've experienced that.  I've seen it happen.  Actually, I've probably experienced that even more in the last few years of trying to understand myself and grow than I have in my life prior to that.  

This summer I met a friend I hadn't seen in a year.  I was on vacation, away from my life in all its hum drum glory for 3 weeks.  When it came time to go back home I shared with him I was scared.  Scared of going back to all the things I was struggling with before I found this oasis of freedom and fun.  Back home where there's a job with lots of responsibility and a wife and kids that challenge me every day.  Though I sorely missed my family and even my job a bit, the fantasy seemed so much more appealing.

Then he told me something I think I'll find hard to forget.  He said, "you're not the same man you were 3 weeks ago."  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  This is what I've been working toward for years now.  An awareness that this moment doesn't have to be melded and shaped by the last and the man I am today doesn't have to be the man I was yesterday.  I have a choice.

I've heard it said that if you're stuck thinking about your past or worrying about your future, you're missing your present moment.  And intimacy with the present moment only happens right now.  Once this moment is gone, I've lost it forever.  Breathing has been a huge help to me.  Something so simple.  When I breathe consciously I connect to my body.  I connect to myself.  With just breathing I get to spend time being present with my moment.  

It reminds me of when I got married.  Someone advised me to make sure to wear a watch to my wedding.  He told me if I don't make note of the time throughout the night, it'll be all too easy to forget over time.  He was right too.  Know how I know?  I forgot to actually look at my watch and if it weren't for pictures it would be hard for you to convince me that really happened some days.

So I breathe.  I connect to what I'm feeling at the moment.  I breathe into what going on inside me and I give space to and feel my anger. I feel my sadness.  I feel my fear.  And I feel my joy.

It's only when I allow myself to connect to my present moment and to listen to and understand what I'm feeling, I start to figure me out.

-Eric